1. Convince your roommate to buy a new TV; A giant HDTV that's improperly calibrated so even the highest budget movie looks like a BBC documentary. Once this step is done, proceed to step two.
2. In order to make room for the new beast of a TV, move the old 60" rear projection TV up to your loft. In the loft you will find an old cabinet that weighs a ton: Move this to the backyard to make room for the rear projo, and move all your roommate's trophies to the backyard as well.
3. This next step is crucial: Let the cabinet sit outside, decorated in trophies, for AT LEAST a week. This sitting period will allow enough time for this once-proud cabinet to sit and lose all it's self esteem. For the longest time, this cabinet had a feeling of pride, holding all your outdated shit, it had a feeling of self-worth. This week will reduce it's sense of being, and, in doing so, compromise it's structural integrity, allowing it to be easily smashed with a sledgehammer later.
4. After a week, you need to have an allergy attack. I'm talking puffy eyes, stuffed nose, sore throat, sneezing fits that hurt your lungs, the whole nine yards. When you wake up, you're going to feel like a bag of shit run over twice. This is also a key step, so don't skip it, lest you fuck up the fire-making process.
5. Wait. What, you might ask yourself, am I waiting for? You're waiting for Randall Klinkenborg to show up on your doorstep full of piss and vinegar. Once Randal is at your house, it is time to commence the bonfire festivities.
6. In your backyard, you should find a ten pound sledge hammer. Once the hammer is located, whip Randall into a hate-filled rage by taunting him, shouting obscenities and depriving him of food.
In retrospect, all of these steps are crucial and should be treated as such.
7. Now that Randall is in a rage, take the first swing at the cabinet, only after removing all your roommate's trophies. He'll be in Vegas, and smashed mementos is a sight no one wants to come home to after a long weekend of beating prostitutes in the desert. The first swing is crucial: Put a giant hole right in top of it, let it know who's boss. If you can't wield such a manly tool as a hammer of sledge, go back to step one, but add a zero step: Work out for a month solid eating a high protein diet until you have a physique equivalent to that of Henry Rollins.
8. Now that you've made the top of this cabinet your bitch, hand the sledgehammer to Randall and step back: It's showtime. If you worked Randal into a proper hate-filled whirlwind, he rip that fucker a new asshole in about two minutes. Stand back and drink grape soda as he destroys what once was a cabinet.
9. You're now left with a giant mess of wood splinters and large planks. Now you can exercise your creativity. Beat the large pieces into smaller pieces, smash metal pieces into flat slammer-esque pieces, whatever your little heart desires. Go nuts, and party hard.
10. One the cabinet has been reduced to a weeping pile of oak and particle board shreds, clean up the mess while enjoying a smoke. Once this step is over and done, it's fire time motherfuckers.
11. In an old burnt out washing machine drum, stack cigarette butts, tennis balls, trash and three to four planks of wood in a tee pee style pyre. Dance around and make false sacrifices to the fire gods as you do so, they will award you with a roaring fire in a few minutes, so pay your goddamn respects, punk. In your recycling bin you'll find an old Coors Light 24 pack box: Rip it to shreds with your bare hands.
12. Once said box has been mutilated, stack the mangled pieces strategically in between the posts of the pyre. Here comes the fun part: Light that shit on fire.
If you've done everything correctly, the crappy beer box with ignite with the heat and power of a million suns, immediately engulfing the cabinet's skeleton in licking flames. If this doesn't happen, return to step 7 and rage again. We'll see you in a few steps, you human loser.
13. In order to keep the flame alive, throw more and more chunks of the wood into the fire. Not so many pieces that you suffocate it, but just enough to make it crackle with hate. Keep doing this till you're either out of wood, or the Po Po shuts you down.
Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of a fiery inferno! There are ways to gain style points as well, and these points make all the difference; If you gain enough, the fire god will appease you with a thunder and lightening show, which only adds to the chaos you've created. Great ways to get said style points are as follows:
A. Conduct fire safety with a baseball bat. If an ember leaps out to spoil your fun and burn down your house, beat the little turd senseless with a bat. You'll feel great and look good at the same time.
B. Throw pine needles in the fire. The crackling noise they make seems to please the gods, as they listen on with warm hearts.
C. Try to make a sword out of the various hinges and runners of metal that used to serve a purpose in the cabinet. You'll fail ever time, but Loki the fire god will smile upon your efforts and reward you with a bitchin' bolt of lightening. He's a real swell dude.
D. For a great show, throw things like glue and dead bugs into the blazing inferno. Glue is good for the lulz and emit a terrible smell. Bugs snap crackle and pop like your favorite childhood breakfast cereal, but I do not recommend eating the final product. Cellophane wrappers also burn like Pikeys in a campsite.
E. Finish a 100ml bottle of grape soda for the ultimate bonus points. It will taste like shit, but no pain, no gain.
Happy Holidays from Lost July, and don't burn your house down.
Kettner
And as always, check out Lost July Comics, we'll have some new nuggets of fun for you guys in just a short while.
Pic related, it's Randall making a mess
