Grocery Shopping

"Is fucking fun" are the words that should've sprung immediately to mind. If those weren't your initial word choices you are either A. Someone who doesn't cuss(Start, it's liberating) or B. A mental infant.

As you grow older, simple pleasures get harder and harder to come by; Shopping is one of the greatest pleasures one can have as a grown up. I anxiously await pay day knowing that a magical trip to the Food Library(Or "grocery store", for those of you who are slang-challenged) is rapidly approaching. There are literally over 9,000 food things to buy in these places, and I recommend you try all of them. They're all delicious. Aside from okra, that is, that shit looks like boogers.

With so many items to choose from and millions of combinations to use said items in, you're single-handedly in charge of your diet for the next pay period. Now, this can seem, scary, terrifying even, but it gets easier children. And take my word on this, you'll be terrible at it at first. Fish sticks and buffalo wings are not acceptable things to buy, especially if that's all you're buying. One week will pass with one week remaining till you get paid again, and you'll be out of wings/sticks, out of money, and out of luck. You just committed rookie offense number one: Buying food like a dipshit. Now you're eating Ramen and pissing off all your friends by bumming 99 cent Del Taco burritos off them. Don't be that kid, everyone hates him.

My personal favorite place to buy food at is a magical dreamland called WinCo: It's a culinary Disneyland without some retardedly high entrance fee. Why do I like Winco so much? One word: BULK. Spaghetti in bulk? Why yes, I love noodles. Rice in bulk? I'll take 12 pounds, which, once you steam it, equates out to about 1,000,000 pounds of starchy awesomeness.

Side note: "Awesomeness" didn't get the squiggly "Hey moron, you spelled that word wrong" line that Firefox loves to plaster all over my blog, but "combinations" did. S-T-U-P-I-D.

Back to how awesome WinCo is. Now, I, much like you people that read the drivel I type up for you, don;t have a lot of money to spend on things like food. WinCo is cheap as all hell, and if you can buy it in bulk, holy GOD the savings are amazing. I just got 6.39 lbs of whole wheat flower for $2.88. That's about 40 pizza crusts. PARTY! Hazard a guess as to how much 6.93 lbs of spaghetti set me back.

$5.47

Hell. Yeah.

Now, if you have proper storage for all this shit that you have no chance in hell of using over the course of two weeks, you probably won't have to do serious shopping again the next check. Maybe a few things, more tomato sauce, more black olives, blah blah blah. The point is, go insane. Set yourself a reasonable budget, then go apeshit insane buying things. I never stay within my budget, I usually overshoot it by anywhere from $40 to $60. This is disappointing, but who cares? Food is good for your brain, it's good for your health, and what else are you going to spend your money on. Hookers? Buy a steak instead, it won't give you Chlamydia.

Also, learn to cook. Cooking doesn't take a lot of effort or even any real mastery of the kitchen. Watch The Food Channel from time to time or head to Barnes and Noble and get a cheap, shitty cook book. Not only will your taste buds thank you, but you'll pull in stupid amounts of ass. Chicks dig a guy that can cook; Ask one, they'll tell you. If your cooking-challenged, a Food Library can seem scary or pointless, because you can't see the potential, nay, the magic that awaits you beyond those sliding doors.

Something fun to try: If you like Star Wars, pretend to use Force Open whenever you walk through the automatic doors. You'll feel like a Jedi and you'll get to go grocery shopping. Win win.

I believe this is my longest post yet, which is saying something about grocery shopping day. Aside from snuggling my girlfriend, trips to Stone Brewery to refill my growler for cheap, warming up in sweatpants under a blanket on a rainy winter day while watching Pokemon and eating Ramen, or the first taste of Pho of the year, there are very few simple pleasures left these days. Grow to love grocery day. Don't look at it as "Oh ho hum, I have to go buy food. Dildos." Look at it as you're starting the first chapter of your very own two-week-long Choose Your Own Adventure book.

Do you look in the cabinet(Page 32) or drive to Carl's Jr.(Page 56)?

You open the cabinet and find Spaghetti(Page 2) and Funyuns(Page 241). What do you eat?

You eat Funyuns. You are stupid and dumb for buying these things, and you're still hungry. Return to page 32.

Fun, right? Seriously, go grocery shopping. NOW. And as always, check out what we've got going on over at Lost July Comics. New panels will be up soon.

Pic related: It's my boredline-OCD-arranged section of the pantry. God I love grocery shopping day.